Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
