I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I did not marry a roomba.
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