That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
