I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
