A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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