When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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