Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
