cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
