hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
