my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
