things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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