I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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