Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
