Yo dont text me then not text me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
