I wish my penis had an off switch
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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