no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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