How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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