I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
