Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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