Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
