There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
