when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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