i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
