I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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