i don't like sucking hair
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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