i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
