I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
