You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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