"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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