the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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