Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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