That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
operation harelip BJ is a go
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
