He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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