Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
