I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Found the puke drawer
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
