Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
