God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
