mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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