i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
