Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
