I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
