burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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