He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
