normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
then he tried to convert me to islam
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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