i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
