i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
