It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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