I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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