CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
