i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
