I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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