my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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