i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
