She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
