If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
