i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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