I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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