The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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