found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
