my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
