Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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