my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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