I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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