Umm I'm too high to move.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
